i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
