If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
