I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Randomize
