Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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