My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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