I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
