Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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