Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
