About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
