I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
