That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
