And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize