My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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