I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
