i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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