two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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