Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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