My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
