On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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