It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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