Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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