I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
