I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize