remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
