It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
