I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
