I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
