bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
