we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
