Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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