new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
