I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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