do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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