can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
