RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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