I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
