i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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