I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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