Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
