I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
