Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
