I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
