I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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