Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
