People in love make me want to vomit
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
