You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
