Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
