I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
