I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
did i just pee glitter
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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