If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
its not stalking. its research.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Be still, my beating vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
