You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
