Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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