I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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