I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
