I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
