i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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