I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
