i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Girls should come with a carfax report
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
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