we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
