4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
