This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
