Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
