My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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